Eureka

Indeed, We have created everything, perfectly preordained.
- Quran 54:49

Yesterday after having finished writing embers of fire, I did something that I very rarely do. I picked up my copy of the Quran, closed my eyes, opened a random page, ran my finger across that random page and stopped at a random word. I then opened my eyes and read the verse that contained the said word. It was the aforementioned verse.

I generally for the most part am not a superstitious person but for the past few months that is ever since Milena stopped talking to me, I have been begging God everyday to make something happen. I think yesterday was my lucky day of sorts. I came across this verse. Sad as it may have been, It was nevertheless my eureka moment.

For the past two and a half months I have been in agony everyday. Everyday I wait to hear from her. Everyday I stare out of my window imagining a life with her. Everyday I write a blog in the hopes that she'd read it and maybe one of these days her stone cold heart would melt. Every night I go to sleep feeling like a dog barking up the wrong tree. Yet once dawn breaks, much akin to the loyal poodle I come back, only to relive this cycle all over again. It's like groundhog day everyday. 

Yet I am still not going to give up on her, on us. However this is going to be the last blog I write. I have left my fate to God. If 34 heartfelt blogs aren't enough for her to get back to me, I am not sure if another 34 is what it would take. I don't in the slightest blame her. God knows what she must be going through.

I will always remember her as the best thing to have ever happened to me, always. And should she choose to get back to me she knows exactly where to find me. Today I sent her pictures of the book and earrings I had brought for her; I will find a way to get them to her soon. She is my first love, my only love. I will always love her, always. I just hope she keeps me in her heart for a while.

I shall now end this blog with a quote from one of my favorite books, white nights:

"But to imagine that I should bear you a grudge, Nastenka! That I should cast a dark cloud over your serene, untroubled happiness; that by my bitter reproaches I should cause distress to your heart, should poison it with secret remorse and should force it to throb with anguish at the moment of bliss; that I should crush a single one of those tender blossoms which you have twinned in your dark tresses when you go with him to the altar... Oh never, never! May your sky be clear, may your sweet smile be bright and untroubled, and may you be blessed for that moment of blissful happiness which you gave to another lonely and grateful heart!

My God, a whole moment of bliss! Is that too little for the whole of a man's life."

I will always love you, always. 

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