A failure and a heartbreak

Before Friday the 26th of April 2024 never in the entirety of my 23 years of exsistence on the face of this planet earth had I ever academically failed a subject. I have my doubts over how this failure came about but since I have no proof I choose not to indulge myself excessively with such thoughts, as such I take full responsibility for what has come to be(what other choice do I have 🙃).  

I have thought long and hard about what happened, how it happened, why it happened and honestly I don't know the answer yet but what I do know is that maybe just maybe this failure is perhaps a blessing in disguise. 

For starters, it has has turbocharged my prep for step2 which has far greater implications on my future career than does failing in an entirely subjective component of a subject in final year, or atleast that's what I'd like to think. Another good thing to come out of this is that it has very clearly shown to me who my friends are and who aren't. Lastly and perhaps most importantly this failure if anything has brought me closer to God and that I believe trumps everything else.

Now as Franz Kafka would say, a letter to Milena.

This silence's been breaking my heart into a million pieces each of which is then scattered across the vast ocean floor and what I have ahead of me is the almost unassailable task of picking each of those pieces up and putting it all back together again and just as I was about to do that in comes the uhs with a stab to the back. 

I don't remember the last time I was this low. I spend most of my days hoping and praying for what now seems to be the impossible, and my nights I spend wondering how and where did it all go so wrong.

I don't know what to do at this point, I'm lost, very lost should I dare say. It feels like I'm living in a cold, frozen, tundra with an endless night. 

The only little glimmer of hope I have is the moon that shines above; it is beautiful isn't it? Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn't; what does it matter.

The night goes on, but look what's that on the horizon. Could it be a dawn? Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn't; what does it matter. 

What's that sound in the distance, could it be that you've finally come to see me? Perhaps so, perhaps not; what does it matter.

What does anything matter for I am a failure living through a cold, frozen, night.






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