A Dilemma
I make believe,
That you are here,
It's the only way,
I see clear,
What have I done?
You seem to move on easy.
Without my wings I feel so small,
I guess I need you baby,
And every time I see you in my dreams,
I see your face it's haunting me.
- Britney Spears, Every time.
Ok so something major has happened ever since I wrote eureka. I know I promised that eureka was the last blog I write about me and Milena but I think recent developments warrant a detailed blog.
At around midday on the 22nd of June 2024, my mother received a call from Milena's mother asking us to come over as we had promised at our last meeting some 10 or so days ago.
I was at the Akhtar Saeed Trust Hospital in EME practicing clinical examinations for my upcoming practical exam, when my mother called informing me of this new development and asked me to rush back home as soon as possible. I was at that point confused to say the least. I didn't know what to make of this. Was this God's way of letting me know that there was still some tiny hope of her and I happening or was it just a courtesy call? I still don't know the answer but we will, hopefully, find out soon enough.
Anyways after the call, I wrapped up the practicing session and got into my car. As I got in, I thought to myself, ok this is a Godsent opportunity to give her the copy of "persuasion" and the earrings I had brought for her. As I was driving home, I couldn't help but think of how she would react if I did actually go ahead and give her the book and the earrings. She, judging by the past two and a half months or so, would probably have ignored this gesture just as she's been ignoring all of these blogs. This in turn would've once again left me heartbroken.
As I got onto the canal bank road, I had an epiphany of sorts. I suddenly remembered something I had read a long time ago, almost 11 years ago to be precise:
"Islam may be translated as 'acceptance' on man's part; he 'accepts' God, with all that this implies, and 'accepts' his destiny, with all the distress it may contain, and he takes the 'straight path' which leads to Paradise and, beyond".
-Islam and the Destiny of Man, Charles Le Gai Eaton.
Islam and the destiny of man was a book that in many ways changed me and for better or worse, played a huge role in making me who I am today. It was clear to me what I should do next, instead of taking the exit to Johar town, I decided to press on and make my way to readings at Gulberg as quickly as I possibly could. All the while I was praying, Dear God please make sure Readings has a copy of Islam and the destiny of man, and a copy they had. I quickly grabbed it and a big bar of dark chocolate Toblerone and rushed home.
When I got home my mother was very angry at me for having taken so long. I then spent an awful lot of time deciding what I was going to be wearing to Milena's. I picked out a white linen dress shirt that had very beautiful shiny threads interspersed throughout, and black shoes and trousers to go with it. I put on my best perfume, combed my hair back, and got into the car with my mother.
As we were leaving home I was excited, ecstatic, and euphoric however at the back of my mind a part of me was worried. Worried about the heartbreak that was inevitably going to follow. Worried about how I was going to succumb to my temptation of writing every single one of my thoughts on a blog which in all likelihood would probably not even be read by her. 🙃
Anyways we got to their home at about quarter to seven in the evening. The dusk sky was a beautiful sight to behold, shades of red mixing with blues and a hint of black.
My mother rang the bell and one of Milena's housemaids opened the door and as we made our way in we were greeted by Milena's mother. I gave her the bag that had the chocolate and the book. We sat in their drawing room. We were soon joined by Milena's father and brother.
This time around I was far more composed and didn't talk nearly as much as I did the last time we met. But there was disturbingly no sign of Milena. I would every now and then desperately look through the glass door to see if she was coming or not. Soon though she came into the drawing room.
There she was looking as beautiful as ever dressed in black and I couldn't help thinking about the first time we met. She wore black then too, what followed was arguably the most happiest time of my life. She is wearing black today could this be a sign of things finally turning around, I thought to myself. This is what happens when people don't communicate, one starts seeing zebras everywhere.
Anyways the two main highlights of the hour or so we spent at their place were:
1) Milena's brother singing Aitebar. Could it be that he was signaling something. Aitebar is a song that reminds me of Milena. I had posted it as a private WhatsApp status with her as the only audience back when the ice between myself and Milena had only just started melting right before that wretched result was announced.
2) Milena's brother asking me what shows I liked and me saying Bridgerton to which after about two and half months of pin drop silence Milena excitedly said "I've watched it too". I am pretty sure it was an inadvertent slip of tongue but hey guess what, she finally spoke to me. And Yes Milena I watched it. I watched it all. I watched it because you asked me to.
Soon thereafter Milena left to go pray. She didn't come back for the rest of the time we were there. Upon leaving though my mother went to see Milena and say goodbye. From what my mother tells me, she was sitting there with the book in her hands. I am sure the book must've come as a surprise to Milena as it wasn't what she was probably expecting. In addition to the epiphany, another reason why I didn't bring "persuasion" was because I didn't have the time to write her a heartfelt letter to go with the book and without it there's no point in just giving the book.
I spent a considerable amount of time yesterday drafting the letter and then writing it by hand. I have placed it between pages 182 and 183 of the book. The earrings sit on my table next to the book and the letter. I am now torn between choosing to send it or not.
If I send it the best that'll happen is maybe she'll get back to me. Maybe the book and earrings would do what 35 blogs weren't able to. Then what. Will we end up together, I don't know. At this point I don't even know if she likes me or not. What I do know, however, is that I love her always have, and always will.
But I also know that my love alone won't be enough to make her love me back. In this the most difficult of dilemmas, most trying of times, I seek refuge in God. I accept him with all that it implies and accept my destiny with all the distress it may contain and leave this matter, of me and Milena, to him. I ask him to do what is in our best interests.
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