What I do know is that I love her

Every morning I wake up thinking to myself, today's the day that Milena may finally come around. The morning turns into afternoon, the afternoon turns into evening, and the evening soon becomes a long, dark night. Every day I die a death in the hopes of hearing from Milena.

I miss you, Milena. I love you, Milena. God knows how many times I must have screamed this, but to no avail. Alas, at this point, I pity myself. I pity seeing what I have become. I pity my mother and the hope that still shines in her eyes. Sometimes it seems as though the writing is pretty much on the wall. Other times, it seems as though perhaps everything may not be what it apparently looks like.

I don't know what to do. I am lost. Very lost indeed.

Every morning I convince myself not to give up on us, not to listen to what my own subconscious whispers into my head morning, noon, and night, and not to pay heed to any of the naysayers, whether that be my subconscious or my conscious mind. Then, as the morning soon dies a death and the moon rises, I can't help thinking if she even likes me. If all of this writing, this waiting, this crying, and this praying is worth it.

I don't know if it's all worth it or not, but what I do know is that I love her. More than she will ever know. Call me delusional all you want, but I am so madly in love with her that even as I see my world caving in, I can't stop thinking about her. Her and those beautiful eyes, her and that beautiful smile, her and that incredible wit, her and that first sight.

Against apparently overwhelming odds, I still continue holding on to this last string of hope I have, which is my love for her. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know if she and I are ever going to become us. I don't know if I will ever escape this cycle of dying a death every day to live for once in her presence. I don't know if I'll ever forget her.

What I do know is that I love her.

I will always love her. Always.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A failure and a heartbreak

Before Friday the 26th of April 2024 never in the entirety of my 23 years of exsistence on the face of this planet earth had I ever academically failed a subject. I have my doubts over how this failure came about but since I have no proof I choose not to indulge myself excessively with such thoughts, as such I take full responsibility for what has come to be(what other choice do I have 🙃).   I have thought long and hard about what happened, how it happened, why it happened and honestly I don't know the answer yet but what I do know is that maybe just maybe this failure is perhaps a blessing in disguise.  For starters, it has has turbocharged my prep for step2 which has far greater implications on my future career than does failing in an entirely subjective component of a subject in final year, or atleast that's what I'd like to think. Another good thing to come out of this is that it has very clearly shown to me who my friends are and who aren't. Lastly and perhaps mos...
Read more

When all's said and done

There are some heartbreaks that don’t burn - they linger. They don’t scream - they hum. And they don’t kill you - but they change you in such fundamental ways, you find yourself walking around with a different gait, speaking slower, sleeping less. Months ago, I was in love with someone I genuinely believed I’d spend my life with. She didn’t just break my heart - she vanished . No explanation, no conversation. Her silence became a language I was forced to learn. One I hated speaking, but grew fluent in. And so, I started writing. This blog became my way of staying afloat. I wrote each night not out of habit but out of desperation. I wrote hoping she would read. I wrote to make the pain mean something. I wrote so I wouldn’t call her. So I wouldn’t beg. So I wouldn’t fall apart completely. What I didn’t expect was that in trying to write my way back to her, I was really writing my way back to myself . But let’s not pretend this is a triumphant ending. It’s not. I still miss her. I ...
Read more

On nights like these

On nights like these, as I gaze at the sky, A nightingale sings in the distance, And a shooting star passes by. I make a wish for her silence to break In the hopes that it would cure my heart-ache. On nights like these as I gaze at the sky, A wolf howls in the distance, And a swan passes by. I look in the river to see a full moon and in it her, Or was it her in who I saw a full moon. On nights like these as I gaze at the sky, A boy writes poems in the distance, And she passes by. And as she passes by, the boy's world changes The grass seems a little more bluer The sky a little greener The nights a little more serene The days a little more gleam On nights like these as I gaze at the sky, A boy cries in the distance, And she passes by. And as she passes by, the boy's world changes  The grass seems a little greener The sky a little bluer The nights a little less serene The days a little less gleam On nights like these as I gaze at the sky, I move towards the boys, Only to find rem...
Read more