The 1 am ramblings of a detained final year medical student

Ok so it's 1am 11/5/2024. There are so many things racing through my mind right now and honestly I don't know where to begin. For many days I have tried to compartmentalize my "negative thoughts" and shun them away for a good two months, I have been successful thus far and I hope to not divulge into them too much in this blog but by God is it hard to not scream my lungs out over what I am going through.

I DO NOT DESERVE ANY OF WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING TO ME OVER THE COURSE OF THE PAST MONTH OR SO. I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM BEING MADE TO GO THROUGH THIS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIN I'VE COMITTED TO HAVE WARRANTED SUCH A PUNISHMENT.

But then again there's honestly no point in complaining about anything. I've done all that I possibly could have and maybe this is just how God wanted it to be for me at this point in time. 

I have been doing a lot of introspection lately and the one thing that I stumbled upon, which I alluded to in the very first blog, was stoicism. Stoicism as defined by the Cambridge English dictionary is the quality of experiencing pain or trouble without complaining or showing your emotions. 

I used to be a stoic, that is until I met her; and one of the very first things she asked me to do was to be more "expressive". I took the bait and now I have ended up in a very dark place. I don't blame anyone, least of all her, for the predicament that I now find myself in, I've only myself to blame for everything. I should've kept a stiff upper lip. I should've never opened up to her, atleast not to the extent that I did. I don't know why I am writing this blog, maybe it's because somewhere deep down in some corner of my broken sellotaped heart there is still hope for us happening some day, some how. But that is all there is to it now, a hope, a wish, and a prayer. 

For the time being though, I must take back control of my life, and not think about anything but the supplementary exam and that is exactly what I plan on doing. If us is destined it'll happen, if not I can write till kingdom come and it still won't make an iota of a difference. 

I rest my case.

God, it's all in your hands now, as it always was.

(I hope she chooses me)



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