I won't give up

Exactly one month from today I shall be sitting the supplementary exam for medicine and although I still am hoping for something to happen in the recount, I don't have very high expectations. I have been blaming myself for what went down all this time but yesterday I came to the realization that perhaps it wasn't my fault, perhaps this is how fate wanted it to be.

Marcus Aurelius in his book, meditations, describes a fundamental principle of stoic philosophy: Love the hand that fate deals you and play it as your own. I know for a fact that I didn't fail the viva, I know for a fact that someone changed my results. But I shan't dwell on it for too long for it is a guaranteed path to madness. It is how fate intended for it to be, It is what it is.

The only thing in my hands now is to not give up. I won't. Not on the exam, not on life, not on her. And whilst I have very little control over what happens to me over the course of the next few months, I have consciously chosen to endure whatever comes my way be it failure, disappointment or sorrow. 

The one thing I find solace in, in this the most hardest of times, is knowing that I've the support of my parents. I couldn't have asked for anything more. 

My reputation has not escaped unscathed in this episode and I now must think of the morning after. I know I'll pass the supplementary exam but what then. I will still be regarded and seen as a failure, I will be made to join the housejob a couple of months later than the rest of my class fellows and will probably not get the rotations I want. 

The only thing that will restore my repute now is for me to not just sit the step 2 but to annihilate it. Come November/December I will take the step2 at all costs, I will kill it, I will get that 270; It's a promise to myself, my parents, and to her.

The next 2 months are going to be akin to walking through hell. I have chosen to do it with a smile, notwithstanding the fact that I have been stabbed in the back and her eerie silence puts a dagger through my heart everyday. 





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