A word unsaid, A stone unturned, A deed undone -a dialogue with my subconscious

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words that are unsaid and deeds left undone." - Harriet Beecher Stowe. 

Me: I won't leave a word unsaid, a stone unturned, a deed undone in her pursuit and if she then so chooses to not choose me, so be it; but until then I shan't leave a word unsaid, a stone unturned, a deed undone. 

Everyday I make a promise to myself of not thinking about her, everyday I break that promise. It is late at night and she'd probably be sleeping tight whilst here I am languishing in my dreams of what could be. Oh wouldn't it be nice for us to be sitting at a bus stop late on a summer night in Westminster chatting away for hours on end about nothing and everything, wouldn't it be nice for us to spend a day roaming around Hyde Park, or along the corniche in Doha, or skiing down the hills in Banff. 

Subconscious: It would be, but do you really think that is ever going to happen Toor? and even if it did, it will, like all things, eventually have to come to an end. That night on the bus stop will turn into a dawn soon, that walk along the corniche will come to a finish, and all that skiing will surely take you to the bottom of a hill but then what? You will have to climb that hill back. It'll be hard, it won't be worth the short-lived momentary happiness. Nothing lasts, that is the only constant. 

Me: No! it will be worth the happiness even if it doesn't last, for it would serve as a fond memory, and at this point memories are all that I have left.

I remember the first time I met her; it was in early December last year. I had just come back home from having given an exam and I was more curious than excited for what awaited me that evening. Lo and behold an exhausted, and a not so impressive looking me showed up to her house and well, there she was, a mermaid most exotic, most elegant, most pretty, most beautiful. I had a hard time taking my eyes off her that evening. I was stunned beyond belief and was thinking to myself is this real or am I dreaming? I simply couldn't believe my luck.

Subconscious: Maybe you were right in not believing your luck. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately. You are a sickly looking short man and all you have are your supposed "academic achievements" that nobody, I repeat NOBODY gives a damn about and given how you've failed medicine lately, your so called "academic prowess" has for the most part gone down the drain.

Even your hobbies are so boring, economics and politics, REALLY? Did you really expect her to like you with that sort of a "personality". I wouldn't that's for sure. 

Me: Well, I suppose you're right. I am short and sickly looking and I don't have a lot going for me at the moment but what I do have is hope. On the day she came over to our house, I saw that very hope in her eyes too. Her infinite eyes, oh how I wish I could drown in them, alas I guess one can't have a moon on a silver platter now can they?

Subconscious: No they can't and you know that. You're simply not good enough for her. In the depths of your heart you know that to be true. Now don't you dare try bending that fact. It is what it is. Accept reality and snap out of this dream of yours. We have battles, hard battles ahead of us.

Me: Why are you the way you are!? Why do you have to be such a cruel pessimistic unreserved big mouth!? She said she liked me, well not in so many words and perhaps not very often, but she nevertheless did say that. I am the man of her dreams, or atleast that's what I'd like to think.

Subconscious: I am only trying to protect you...us from a heartbreak.

Me: As if that hasn't happened already.

Subconscious: Well, I suppose it has. It hurts.

Me: I feel what you're going through.

My Subconscious and Me: Oh God, as sinful as we are, allow us to be so bold as to ask you, no, rather beg you, for your mercy. We certainly have left no word unsaid and now that our lips no longer know what to say hear the wish, the hope and the prayer of our heart and make us happen someday, somehow.

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